Holiday Story Contest!!!

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Right2Wrong2000
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Holiday Story Contest!!!

Unread post by Right2Wrong2000 » Sun Dec 12, 2010 10:08 pm

The Holidays are a great time for funny stories. Your Aunt Sheila gets really drunk and starts stripping down using the tree as a pole. This sorta thing happens, and we here at Paradox understand that. So what I want from my fellow Paracites is some great examples of these Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa stories. Hell you can embellish them a little, (or a lot because how would I know!) and post them here to this thread. I will then judge them and award some outrageous prizes. They are as follows:

First will receive a Prestidigitational Pudding, Second will receive a RCJG-4000, and Third will score an awesome Deluxe Yule Cracker! All entries will also get a little thanks from your loving Mods!

So the question is: Do you have the best Christmas Story?
-Coda


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Re: Holiday Story Contest!!!

Unread post by Cowboy » Mon Dec 13, 2010 11:15 am

This is a 100% true story (really). I was about 6 or 7 and I wanted to see what was in my stocking (in my family, the stocking is super awesome every year). I pulled on it, and the holder it was attached to fell onto my bare foot. This was a few nights before Christmas. It started bleeding, and hurt like hell. Anyways, we drove to the hospital, and they told me the smallest bone in my toe was broken. It hurt pretty bad, but it healed. I still have a scar. The funny part about this story is after all this, my dad bought me a pack of Pokemon cards, and that made me feel better. :D
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Re: Holiday Story Contest!!!

Unread post by jupider » Wed Dec 15, 2010 7:20 am

First of all, I have to admit that this is a mostly true story. I have exaggerated and embellished a few of the more mundane points to make it just a little bit more interesting. It all took place many, many years ago (I'd say I was maybe 10 or so) when I got my first chemistry set for Christmas. I had been wanting a chemistry set for the longest time because I wanted to make cyanide and I thought they were absolutely just the coolest thing to get. Well, Atari games were pretty cool, too. And cassette tapes. Remember those? I used to have Melissa Manchester's Emergency on cassette. Man I miss that tape. I should get her CD. Anyway, it was around the time that I knew
Spoiler:
Santa Claus doesn't actually exist
and my parents went ahead and put the presents under the tree before Christmas Eve. And they always told us (myself and my sister) that we weren't allowed to mess with the presents because it ruins the surprise if we guess what it is before we open them. So we (again, myself and my sister; don't worry, I'll assume that you now know "us," "we," and the forthcoming "our" refers to myself and my sister) respected our parents decision and agreed not to take that excitement away from them. Well one night when I was up late (We didn't have the Internet back then, so the only reason to stay up was to look for strange patterns in the ceiling spackle. You know you've done it, too. I found Yoda once.) and decided to sneak out and investigate the presents. There were only half a dozen or so. Me and my sister had the same amount; my parents knew it would be hell on earth if we didn't have the exact same amount of presents. It wouldn't matter what they were, even if I got gold bricks and she got lumps of coal, as long as they were evened out. So one-by-one I picked up the packages, rolled them around, poked at them, and even gave them a bit of a shake. When I inspected my sister's presents that sounded fragile, I would drop them on the floor or throw them down the stairs, just for fun. I was real bastard back then. I still kind of am. Some sounded like clothes, some sounded like dead mice (which, eerily, sounds about the same. Try it.), some others now sounded like broken glass. Knowing that my mom knows exactly how she wraps gifts and she would notice if they were re-taped, I didn't try the infamous peel-the-tape-and-open-the-end-of-the-present-to-see-what-it-is trick. I would have totally gotten an ass-whuppin' for that. And then my mom would switch the tags for our gold and coal. So days went by and little by little more presents started showing up under our tree, and every night I would sneak out and try to figure out what they were. I was certain I was getting some cassette tapes (those were pretty obvious, duh) and some clothes. Or dead mice. Also, I could have sworn one of my presents smelled like strawberries; I hoped it wasn't some crazy-ass underwear my mom thought would be funny to get me. But most of the others I just couldn't figure out. So the days kept continuing on and I kept trying to guess what everything was, but, ultimately gave up simply because if it wasn't shaped like a cassette tape case, I didn't know what the hell it was. So Christmas Eve rolls around and of course, I'm just dying to know what I've got and I'm buggin' my parents non-stop all day to let us open just one of our presents. Only one. That's not too much to ask, is it? So they finally caved and said we could open just one! I was so excited! I ran to the living room, grabbed the biggest box with my name on it and sat down by the chair. Then my parents came in with this just-what-the-hell-do-you-think-you're-doing-with-that-present look and took it away from me, placing it back under the tree. They then reached under and grabbed me and my sister little cassette-taped sized presents and handed them to each of us. I was pissed. I knew what the hell it was and I didn't want to open it. I gave my sister a signal to let her know she could open hers first. She gave me a look like she was gonna open hers first anyways. She took the wrapping off. Cocktail - The Soundtrack. Whoop-de-shit. I laughed at her 'cuz I knew it was just a bunch of crappy songs. Unless you like Tutti Fruity. She looked at me like she knew mine was gonna be worse. I looked at her like I knew mine was gonna be better. I tore the paper off. What the hell?! It was a blank tape! Seriously! One of the ones you got to record songs off the radio. I opened it up. On the pathetic little label on the pathetic little tape inside the pathetic little case were these pathetic little letters written in pathetic black marker: "Cocktail - The Soundtrack" I couldn't believe it!! My parents were so damn cheap, they gave me a COPY of my sister's tape!! Wait 'til I send the RIAA a letter about this!! (Although I don't think that was such a big deal back then) So that pretty much ruined the rest of my night. I didn't even want to open anything else. I just wanted to go to bed and wake up after Christmas, after all the stupid we-got-you-the-same-thing-as-your-sister-so-nobody-would-get-upset presents were opened and I could go back to simply looking for interesting shapes in my ceiling. At this point I was convinced that indeed my sister had gotten the gold, but instead of coal, I was given pyrite as a way of saying "We love you just as much as your sister. Almost." So the following morning I dragged myself out of bed wormed my way downstairs and mournfully plopped myself on the floor awaiting the arrival of my chipper holier-than-thou sister. Bitch. I then noticed something that caught my eye. Looking at the tags of the presents, I realized that something was amiss. Presents that had my name on them now had my sister's and vice versa. I was confused. My parents and sister joined me and found appropriate spots around the room. My dad saw the confused look on my face and gave himself self-satisfying smirk. I think I crapped myself. That's when he spoke up. "I figured you'd get bored looking for the rest of the Star Wars cast in your ceiling and come snooping around the presents, so your mother and I switched all the tags to confuse you. Looks like it worked. You don't know what you're getting now, do you?" Pompous jerk. I glanced back at the presents. I looked at boxes of clothes. I looked at my strawberry-scented underwear--which were now my sister's strawberry-scented underwear. I looked at my dead mice--which were now my sister's dead mice. I looked at my sister's broken glass that had been thrown down the stairs. My broken glass. I had been duped. I looked at my mom. She kind of had this disappointing I-knew-you-would-look-but-I-was-hoping-you-wouldn't look on her face. I looked at my sister. She had a ha-ha-you're-stupid look that led me to believe she knew they were doing it. My dad broke the silence of my looking at everyone by grabbing a box from under the tree and handing it to my sister. Then he took another and handed it to me. My sister gave me a signal as if to say, "Go ahead and open it. Dumbass." I reluctantly peeled back the green-and-red paper to reveal a box with the worst thing printed on it possible: JCPenny. Fuck. Clothes. I opened the box to reveal... what else? A sweater. But not just any sweater. It was a Christmas-themed sweater. You know, the ones with reindeers and Christmas trees and Santa and his sleigh. The kind you can only wear for about 1 week out of the year unless you're one of "those" people. You know the kind. The same ones that wear clothes from one-time event because they got them at the Goodwill because the person who donated them would never wear them ever again. You can't tell me you've never seen anyone wearing one of those Hands Across America t-shirts with stains all down the front of it. Anyway, after several more gifts of clothes, dollar store brand toys, my sister's strawberry-scented underwear (which turned out to simply be a Strawberry Shortcake doll) and books I only had a few packages left. The broken glass was still under the tree and so were my sister's dead mice. As I was looking at them, my dad grabbed the dead mice and handed it to my sister. I smirked. He then picked up the broken glass. As the jagged shards trickled down the inside of the box, he gave me a menacing look. My smirk went away. He gave a quick look to my mom who in turn also gave me a menacing look and then she looked at my sister, telling her to go ahead and open her present because I broke mine and wasn't going to get it. My parents then looked at each other and each held back a little giggle. I was once again confused. I watched as my sister ripped the wrapping away. I stared as she picked the tape that held the two box halves together. I gazed as she began to lift the two box halves apart. I jumped back as she shrieked and threw the box across the room. My parents burst into laughter. I looked at the corner of the room where the box halves lay. There, on the ground next to them, were three fake, dead mice! Damn I'm good!! Now I was curious as hell to know what my broken glass is. Or was, for that matter. So then the final gifts were handed to me and my sister. Mine was about the size of a chemistry set and hers was about the size of a boom box. Given my record of figuring out what the gifts were, I figure I had a 66-75% of getting my chemistry set. (Don't ask me to actually go back and figure out the math exactly) My dad gave us the signal and we tore into our gifts. I glanced up at my sister who was tearing the paper off of her new carrying case for Barbie dolls. I watched my odds drop. Ripping the paper away, I revealed the words "CHEMISTRY" in huge, bold letters. I almost crapped again. While barely holding back the urge to rip the box open and start making cyanide, I shredded the rest of the paper to reveal the rest of the package... "THE CHILDREN'S BIG BOOK OF CHEMISTRY AND SCIENCE." It was a book. That came in a box. With stupid crap. And absolutely nothing chemistry-related. Just boring stuff like posters and flash cards and one of those gray drawing boards where you lift the plastic sheet and your writing disappears. What does that have to do with chemistry and science, anyway? The box says it's a "Space-age scientist's notepad!" Whatever. I looked under the tree, but it was empty. I looked all around me. Lots of stuff. An A.J. Foyt race car with truck and trailer, some G.I. Joes, a bunch of clothes, and a new Atari game, E.T., I couldn't wait to play it; everyone's been talking about it. But no chemistry set. Just a book about it. Oh well, all in all, it was a good year, even though I didn't get what I really wanted. Although I did talk my sister into giving me her fake dead mice, which came in very handy for the next several years. In the end it was a memorable day (obviously) and that's what really matters.

Epilogue: I later found out that my mom and dad didn't want to get me a chemistry set, fearing I would make cyanide or something and kill myself. Instead, they got me a book about chemistry and... sigh ...some glass beakers and test tubes to experiment with household kitchen stuff.
Gobberwart wrote:Jupider is EXACTLY right.
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"Maybe that's why we lost."


Cowboy
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Re: Holiday Story Contest!!!

Unread post by Cowboy » Wed Dec 15, 2010 8:05 am

I wish jupider didn't post, he will win for sure just because no one can read it and will assume it's good.

Just kidding, I read it and it was funny :P
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Wilson
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Re: Holiday Story Contest!!!

Unread post by Wilson » Wed Dec 15, 2010 4:50 pm

Spoilers about the nature of Santa within. :O

I was a fairly rebellious kid, not in the manner that was destructive, but more in the manner of pushing the boundaries in an intellectual manner just to see what would happen. One example of this was Christmas Eve when I was about 7. The previous Christmas, my parents were talking about the gifts that my brothers (I have three) and I got, but they had wrote the names wrong on the gifts and had to re-sort out the gifts. I knew Santa didn't exist (sorry for the spoiler), but it was more about proving to everyone that my parents were lying. Flash forward a year, and my eagerness to catch my parents in the lie was even greater. I had spent the week before Christmas annoying my parents with questions about Santa. I tried every way I could think of to get proof that Santa didn't exist, but I couldn't prove anything. Yeah, I was /that/ kid.

My uncle is an electrician, and he had given me an awesome set of electrical equipment for my birthday. Along with some old toys along with the equipment, I managed to make some crappy motion detectors that would beep if you walked a foot or two in front of it. I was amazed that I got them to work, but the only problem with them was that they would run out of batteries really quickly. I raided our closet of all of the batteries, hooked up four different motion detectors, then waited for night.

Once it was dark and as soon as my parents went to bed, I hid the four motion detectors around the house. I was fairly certain that my parents would get up at around 3 or 4am to put the presents under the tree, and I was worried that the batteries would die before then. I tried to stay up as late as I could, but I probably was sound asleep by midnight. Sure enough, at 3:15am, I woke up to the sound of the motion detectors and my parents running around downstairs. I ran to the top of the staircase and saw them trying to find the motion detector in the tree. My dad soon grabbed it, stomped up the stairs and yelled, "What is this?!"

I gave a dumb little smurk and said, "Well, it isn't Santa." He was pretty angry and tried to keep his cool, but he tossed the motion detector down the hall. This set off another motion detector that I had set up. He gave a massive "URG" noise and went back to bed.

Thus was how I learned (well, proved) that Santa didn't exist.
Wilson is purple.

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Re: Holiday Story Contest!!!

Unread post by Right2Wrong2000 » Wed Dec 15, 2010 9:17 pm

Keep 'em coming guys. I am absolutely loving this. I have laughed at everyone thus far. I would swear you are playing to the judge with these.
-Coda

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Re: Holiday Story Contest!!!

Unread post by JazzyCat » Mon Dec 20, 2010 7:56 pm

I don’t have a funny story to tell, but I do have many fond memories of Christmas. Little unique things that my parents did with me while I was growing up. It makes me think of family traditions that I want to start with David and our second child. And hopefully they will have many happy Christmas memories as well!

For many years, my mom, sister, and I would go crazy shopping at Hickory Farms. (Back then, there were Hickory Farms stores in the mall year round!) We would each pick out salami, cheeses, breads, crackers, and candies. That was our Christmas dinner. We would just sit around the coffee table and chow down till we could not eat any more.

One year my mom put tons of little gifts in the tree Christmas Eve night when my sister and I were sleeping. It was so fun Christmas morning to hunt through the tree and find the small stuffed animals and candy tucked away for my sister and me.

The tradition with my dad’s parents was to have ham sandwiches Christmas Eve night. After dinner we would play dominoes.

When I was in first grade, my mom and dad bought me a calculator that looked like an owl. It had some sort of checking feature in it as well, so you could see if you got the right answer. One eye was green for correct and one eye was red for incorrect. Well, when I was little, we were allowed to open our stockings before our parents woke up, but could not open any presents. Santa had put a battery in my stocking along with some candy and little toys. I woke up my parents and told them about the battery but I had no idea what it was for. Later when I opened the calculator, I figured that was what the battery was for. I was so impressed that Santa knew that I needed a battery!
This has nothing to do with Christmas, except that I am thinking about doing this for Christmas with my children when they are growing up for a present to open on Christmas Eve. When I was in high school, my mom got me an Easter basket every year. I am not sure what made her do this, but she hid my Easter basket and I had to follow the clues to find the basket. I loved the hunt! She only did it for my Easter basket, so it was really special. I kept those clues for years and years.

Of course we will incorporate some Swedish traditions as well. One that I really like is that you put a little riddle on the tag of the gift. The riddle is to get the person thinking about what the gift is, but not to give it away. Usually it is some sort of play on words.

One more fun tradition in Sweden is to watch classic Disney (Mickey Mouse, Goofy, Donald Duck, Ferdinand the Bull…) It is funny because Swedes of all ages will sit around the TV at 3pm on Christmas Eve to watch the same show that has been airing every year since 1958!

I look forward to seeing Christmas through the eyes of my children!

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Re: Holiday Story Contest!!!

Unread post by Right2Wrong2000 » Tue Dec 21, 2010 6:54 pm

Jazzy, your story made me smile huge. David and future baby are lucky to have you as a mommy.
-Coda


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Re: Holiday Story Contest!!!

Unread post by Cowboy » Wed Dec 22, 2010 7:50 am

Omg jazzy's story made me feel happy.
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Re: Holiday Story Contest!!!

Unread post by Phantom491 » Wed Dec 22, 2010 7:16 pm

This one Christmas a few (ok more than a few but who cares) years ago, I was in the USAF< & assigned to Hawaii. I decided to come home (Texas) to visit, but there's a twist (There always is). The twist is the only person I told was my buddy from High School. We planned everything. He met me at the airport, & took me back to his place for the night (Christmas Eve). His parent's got into the act & helped me decorate a Refrigerator box that they happened to have (I think you can see where this is going). Anyway We got up the next morning & had breakfast, then drove over to my parents place. We came in the back way then he helped me into the box. After I was safely hidden he walked up to the door, & asked my mom to come out. He gave her this spiel that I had contacted him & told him to get this present for them. He went on to say that I specified the color, size, & everything. Anyway As my mom rounds the corner the 1st thing she sees is my buddy's SUV. She said 'He didn't.' Then she saw the box next to the vehicle. About this time my brother comes running out of the house & just tackles the box. Luckily I heard him coming & was prepared for the hit. My mom was shocked, but somehow my brother knew. We had a wonderful Christmas until I had to catch my flight back to Hawaii.


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Re: Holiday Story Contest!!!

Unread post by sodafett » Thu Dec 23, 2010 7:21 am

Okay, I will go ahead and add my story in here.
This happened when I was about six, but it really did happen. It was early the night of xmas eve, we were watching a cartoon christmas program, might have been Charlie Brown, not sure, that was too long ago, but we actually had snow that year, honestly, that was during the time we had snow every year down south, but I digress. Right after the program was over, someone knocked on the door, now mind you, this might have been around 7:30pm on xmas eve, my mom didn't work and my dad, well, not much work for a carpenter in the snow back in the mid 70s, so we, my brother and I, both had a couple of presents under the tree, not much, but at least it was something. Anyway, I look out the door and there is a few bags sitting on the porch, no car in sight, no one out there at all. I step out onto the porch and I swear I saw sleigh tracks in the circle drive with deer tracks, I kid you not, of course, being in a rural area, it was most likely horse tracks with a sleigh, but when I was 6, wow. Inside the bags were a bunch of wrapped gifts for all of us, my parents and my brother and I, also the makings for xmas dinner, turkey and all the trimmings. To be honest with you, that was the best xmas I have ever had, by far, and to this day, I still don't know who dropped those bags off for us, but I did find out that about 30 families in that town received gifts like that.
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Re: Holiday Story Contest!!!

Unread post by JazzyCat » Thu Dec 23, 2010 7:58 am

Really enjoying the stories everyone!

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Re: Holiday Story Contest!!!

Unread post by Right2Wrong2000 » Sun Dec 26, 2010 8:12 pm

Well folks, it was a great contest and I enjoyed reading all the entries, but it is now time to announce the winners and pass out these dandy prizes. They are as follows:
1. Jupider - Pudding
2. Jazzycat - Joke Generator
3. Wilson - Deluxe Cracker
It was really tough to decide and I wish you could have all been winners, but there are only so many prizes. So for the other contestants... I will be awarding you 50k moolah! :D
-Coda

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sallyfox
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Re: Holiday Story Contest!!!

Unread post by sallyfox » Sun Dec 26, 2010 9:14 pm

This thread has been a REALLY good read.......

Gets me thinking about semi regular story/pack of lies competition

Thanks for holding this R2, and thanks to all people that entered :D


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Re: Holiday Story Contest!!!

Unread post by Cowboy » Sun Dec 26, 2010 11:04 pm

Joke Generator > Deluxe Cracker? o.O

Anyways thank you for the contest it was fun to write my story and to read other stories!
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Re: Holiday Story Contest!!!

Unread post by sodafett » Mon Dec 27, 2010 6:07 am

Congrats to all the winners, and the stories were awesome :)
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jupider
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Re: Holiday Story Contest!!!

Unread post by jupider » Wed Dec 29, 2010 7:23 am

Thanks everyone! Especially R2!! I hope you all had as much fun reading my story as I had fabric... er, I mean writing it! I certainly enjoyed reading all of the others.
Gobberwart wrote:Jupider is EXACTLY right.
"In the time of war, we would never have left a man stranded."
"Maybe that's why we lost."

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