Ell's Biography

[ElljaeT]

So here's the back story. Spiff, our Wikinatrix, has requested that all devs post a biography on the wiki. When it comes to discussing myself I am the least creative person anyone has ever met. Enter the contest side of this story ...

I am offering 1 million moolah for someone to write a biography for me. It can be as creative as you like although I would like to be referenced in it at least once.

This competition is open to all players, including devs. I will state here, however, that should a dev win they have to enter into a dice roll (on behalf of all entrants) and the winner of that dice roll gets their prize money.

I will also offer a 2nd prize of 500,000 moolah and a 3rd prize of 250,000 moolah, although these entries will not be posted on the wiki. Entries will close on the 1st of November 2008.

The only judge of this competition will be me and even though bribery will not be accepted I can't deny flattery may help.

Go nuts guys.

EDIT: I am extending the closing date of this contest to the 8th of November 2008 because I may not have been clear enough about how fictitious this biography can be. There are some good examples below.

[Gobberwart]

OK, it seems that people aren't quite understanding the intention of this contest, and aren't entering because they think they don't know Ell well enough to write her a bio. Fair enough, IF this was meant to be an accurate biography. It's not. Fact is, you can write any old rubbish you like, purportedly about Elljae, but there is NO requirement for the information to be factual or accurate in any way.

For example (just to get you started):

"ElljaeT was born Louisa-May Jamie-Lynn Spears-Timberlake-Johnson-Smith-Smythe-Smith-Cookiejar in a small cottage in eastern Nebraska in 1913, to a poor teenage mother and one of 17 possible fathers (DNA testing to confirm fatherhood proved impossible as they were all siblings anyway).

She grew up in various states, including "amazement", "dishevellment" and "slightly bemused", and graduated magna-cum-laude (that's Latin for "too bloody clever for her own good") from Upper Kumbukta West high school in 1931.

After graduation, ElljaeT immediately embarked on a series of adventures, which included being the first woman to sail solo around Manhattan Island in a combine harvester, conducting multiple (failed) expeditions to the summit of a small hill just outside Wyoming, and discovering the secret behind alchemy. That secret being "you can't actually do alchemy you big goon, so stop trying!"

In 1949, ElljaeT received a significant research grant, and in 1954 she was awarded the Nobull Peas Prize in the field of Silly Diseases for discovering the cure to "Athlete's Pinkie", a little-known, but extremely silly, disease indeed."

Do you get the idea? Feel free to build on what I've written, or come up with something on your own.

[Grokly]

I pronounce Gobberwart the winner of this contest!

What? I don't have the power to do that? Oh. Okay. I gotta tell ya though, the gauntlet has been thrown. Gobber, as usual, has easily tossed out a very witty entry in what should be a fascinating and amusing contest.

Come on people!

Put those creative helmets on and outdo the Master of Wit.

[stroby]

Once upon a time there was a woman named Elljae who came from the land down under she lived with a kangaroo called skippy but now that's another story. One day by some strange coincidence skippy was on a beach when it was hit by lightning so he went over to see the lovely bit a glass but some how the glass speed up his evolution and as we all know what kangaroos evolve into... programmers. Skippy changed his name to gobberwart and after some uncomfortable incidents involving various pumpkins Elljae married gobberwart they had a son who thankfully showed no interest in hopping or any kind of Cucurbita. Elljae didn't just have a interesting home life no she taught munchkins to be big munchkins who could tell you how many apples would be left if the nasty apple taking man came along and took some... gawd I hate that man... but I digress. These days Elljae helps her gobbywart make gamey things happen and does lots and lots of other things, we love Elljae.

---

Ok I admit it's not very good but it might make the ball roll a bit more, I tired to stick loosely to the facts so if you read the elly bio you might find out something new

[ElljaeT]

Thanks guys. These two demonstrate exactly the sort of thing I was after. You really don't have to know anything about me to write this biography, have fun with it

[sheik]

I think that last post was to mask the fact that Gobb knows the real story and retold it in "jest" to hide the fact that it was the truth.

[ObnoxioTheClown]

The woman currently known as Elljae was born as Elijah Doohickey Neville Wilhelm VIII, hereditary prince of the island nation of Guam. As a young man, Elijah enjoyed the finer things in life (e.g. hair, smooth sand, and angel hair pasta). He also liked wearing women’s clothing but discovered that high heels in the sandy environment of Guam made it impossible for him to compete against his peers in track and field events. It was at this point that Prince Elijah decided that he wanted to experience life as a woman more than he had been able to by merely wearing dresses, frilly things, and Lee press-on nails. He needed to find a way to become more womanly. Medical treatment, being fairly limited in Guam, led the young prince to think about how other things were removed when difficult or undesirable. Recalling how his father helped him extract a tooth, prince Elijah wrapped a length of stout cord around his genitals and, with a quick slam of the weighty vault door, a vast amount of screaming, and a shock of blood, Prince Elijah became Madame Elljae. Madame Elljae later moved to Australia to join a support group for people with bizarre genitals and fell in love with Gobberwart, a local pumpkin farmer who suffered an unusual mishap with crazy glue and a pumpkin. Their home is currently under police observation after an unusual public nudity complaint on 10/31/2007.

[babe]

Elljae is a wonderful singer . While singing in a musical ,the troupe came to the small town of Seaside in a very angry kingdom. One day while touring the town she ended up on the wrong side of the tracks in a sleezy alley , among the hobos, there was one singing (shall I say) a hobo song , a young hobo named Gobberwart. she was awed by his voice . She took him to the Manor on the right side of the tracks , where the Lord and Ell taught him how to sing "The rain falls mainly on the plains" He was put in the musical , which went on to be a hit and shall I say the rest is history.

[ElljaeT]

Hey guys,

Thanks for the entries so far. I have enjoyed them immensely and had a good chuckle to myself.

For everybody that hasn't entered yet you have until intermission on the 8th of November to get your entry in so that's still about a week.

[jupider]

Here's my entry: (Sorry it's one long block of text. I never learned when to make a new paragraph. Seriously.)

ElljaeT grew up in the small town of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch (shut up, you can't pronounce it either). On her 16th birthday, she got her fist job at the local post office (it's always hiring). About a week later, after leaving the hospital for severe carpal tunnel syndrome, she decided to leave her roots behind and seek out a life of her own. So one day, shortly after her 21st birthday, she said "Goodbye" to her parents, packed up all her stuff, including her favorite burlap sack with a rock in it, and set off to find her fortune. It was shortly there after that she met a nice, handsome bloke that swept her off her feet, threw her in his car, and locked her in his basement. It was very small and furnished only with a toilet, sink, bed, and several years supply of canned food (and yes, there was a can opener, jackass). For the next several years, the only friend she had was a brick named Melvin, but one day he called her a bad name and they stopped speaking to each other. And then one day it finally happened! The door was kicked in by the police and she was saved! It turned out that the man that took her had a really bad memory. He turned himself in to the police, but couldn't remember where he lived. They let him go, hoping he would lead them back to his house, but he eventually just returned to the police station to turn himself in for kidnapping someone and not remembering where he lived. After a few weeks, they ultimately arrested him, sent him to electro-shock therapy, and, in the end, released him on his own volition due to the fact that he was a complete idiot. Eventually, a squatter who was a fugitive on the loose began to live in the house. After he mugged an old lady (which was actually an undercover cop) they chased him back to the house where he hid. After a thorough search of the house, they found the fugitive, in the bathrooom, trying to kill himself by overdosing on the original homeowner's medication that he thought were sleeping pills. Upon inspection, the pills were actually a prescription to "prevent scizophrenia and strange impulsive behavior (like kidnapping)." The pills also came with a warning: "May cause memory loss." ElljaeT spent the next few months in a rehabilitation center, learning how to communicate with humans and eating food that wasn't in a can, until she was finally sent off, once again, to find her fortune. Despite the horror of her previous years, ElljaeT spent a long time living very happily. She went to college, got a wonderful job, a great home, and had everything she could ever dream of. But one day she realized she was lonely. The next day, she bought a bunch of mirrors, but that didn't seem to help her any. After that she bought a cat, but it just got fat and shed everywhere (oops, did I say "shed?" I meant "shit.") She got rid of the cat (she know that burlap sack would come in handy some day) and got a dog. Soon after she realized the dog did the same thing as the cat, but since she didn't have another burlap sack, she decided just to keep it. Fortunately, it ran away. At least, that's what *she* said. Anyway, ElljaeT was still lonely, and there was only one thing left she could do. That's right, she joined the local all-girl sexually frustrated book club (honestly, this is the only part of the story that's TRUE!) and met many, many, many, many, many, many wonderful friends. But soon her life was just filled with empty satisfaction. She needed something that half-naked girls reading books just couldn't fulfill. She needed a partner. Someone to spend her life with. A yin to her yang. A man. (Don't worry Gobb. I'll introduce you eventually) She left the book club, much to the dismay of her colleagues, and went off to pursue her next goal in life. Unfortunately, dating was difficult. Most of the men she met either had a basement, ate canned food, or were named Melvin. She had to take drastic action. She had to do something outrageous. She had only one choice. She had to become a stripper, because she knew that patrons of strip bars all live in apartments, eat pizza, and wouldn't be caught dead admitting their name was Melvin to naked woman. But she was wrong. To her amazement, the patrons of strip bars all live at the strip bar, eat whatever's on special, and respond to whatever the hell you call them. It was all too much for her. She was losing hope. She felt like giving up. So finally, in silent surrender, she went to the local park to sit under a tree and think about her life. And cried. She didn't know what to do. She missed her parents. She missed Landfairpull or whatever the hell that place was called. But most of all she missed her life. That part of her life that isn't there. And never will. Or so she thought. As the shadow passed over her, she looked up to see the silhouette of a man standing above her. Out of pure instinct, she grabbed her pepper spray and let him have it. The man quickly fell to the ground and she made her escape. A few blocks down the street, she felt bad for the man and went back to help him. When she got back, the sun was now in his face, and when she looked into his one eye that was still open, she fell in love. "My name's ElljaeT. Sorry I maced you." "S'alright. It happens all the time. My name's Gobberwart." (I could have given a different name and kept this story going for ages, but I hafta stop somewhere.) The two fell in love, got married, bought a house without a basement, and lived happily ever after, even though sometimes Gobberwart forgets things as a result of some medication he used to be on.

[Gobberwart]

I'm so tempted to demand jupider's immediately disqualification for this sentence:

"She needed something that half-naked girls reading books just couldn't fulfill."

It's quite clearly fiction. There is NO need half-naked girls can't fulfill, regardless of what they're doing

[SportGuy]

I'm so tempted to demand jupider's immediately disqualification for this sentence:

"She needed something that half-naked girls reading books just couldn't fulfill."

It's quite clearly fiction. There is NO need half-naked girls can't fulfill, regardless of what they're doing

Clearly they haven't fulfilled being fully naked have they?

[eL JoEy]

Since the age of 10 ElljaeT has been in the papers, Breaking records here and there. Her most recent one was the most pillows eaten while doing sit-ups on a side of a plane, extreme i know. While breaking the record for the largest lip plate in her mouth, a young man named Gob bumped into her. He was the record-holder for the longest eyelashes for a male and often cross-dressed for 'kicks'.
After a few hours of being together they decided to live together. They moved back to Elljae's home village of Pallet town and got married.
After the marriage ceremony, Elljae stopped breaking records and concentrated on a career as a bookmark (i thought it was weird too) but the career went well she was used in many books such as wheres wally,etc. Elljae also breeded snails.
The story went on... and on.. then stopped, then went on again....

[ElljaeT]

You guys crack me up.

I am in the middle of writing reports at the moment so I think I'll leave this open for a bit longer. I really don't have the brain space to pick a winner just yet and I also know there are a couple of people who wanted to enter who haven't go their entries in yet.

Watch this space.

[Gobberwart]

Clearly they haven't fulfilled being fully naked have they?

Haven't? No. Can't?????

[JazzyCat]

Elljae was born in the rockin’ 70s. She hung out with the coolest of the cool and the smartest of the smart. Of course she was the coolest of the cool and the smartest of the smart, but she did not want to make the others feel bad and never let on that she was the real leader of those kids.

She had many friends who adored her because of her kindness, beauty, and intelligence. All of the kids that lived in her neighborhood wanted to be just like her. Since this was not possible, she was just friends with everyone. She treated all with respect and she never acted like she was better than anyone else.

She knew at a young age that she wanted to be a teacher. With her experience as a leader in her neighborhood and since she helped all of her friends get through school, it was a natural calling.

No one knew what a beautiful voice she had until she entered a karaoke contest in college. She won first place and got an even wider fan base.

Elljae continues to woo and wow her peers, students, and friends alike. She is one of the most awesome people you will ever have the opportunity to meet.

If you want to get to know more about Elljae, just chat with her. She has a great big heart and is an absolutely amazing woman!

[DrWolf]

Everyone knows about the 'race for space' that took place in the 1960's. What they don't know is that the only reason Russia lost the race is because they were focused elsewhere: advanced robotics. Being so close to China, they knew it was just a matter of time before the million man army ran them over and took over the whole world, so they began building robotic soldiers. Their first attempts were a series called the AA's. These consisted of AAA, AAB, AAC, etc. They were basically glorified can openers that could slice and dice, but were easily destroyed. Then there was the AB series, which was even worse. They could slice, dice, and shoot, but they couldn't aim. Many scientists died. The Russians tried building numerous other models, but consistently failed. Finally, they realized that they were going to need some help.
Their relationship with Australia had been hidden from the rest of the world for decades, and now they were required to call on their down under comrades. They flew the best Russian minds to Australia to meet with what is loosely called "the best Australian minds". Despite numerous arguments over structural design, the Russians and Australians managed to create a nearly perfect series of robots: the LI series. The only problem with this series was that while they could kill a man in mere milliseconds, they would be recognized as robots from a mile away. Unfortunately, they didn't discover this flaw in the design until they actually used the robots in an attempted invasion. As the robots stormed across the borders into China, the Chinese recognized what the threat was and quickly developed a large EMP bomb that disabled all of the robots. Fortunately, China is NOT Japan, so the people of the nation were relatively unaffected.
One of the Australians who worked on the LI series took all of the information they'd compiled, determined to rebuild. This man, Dr. Govvers, had a few ideas in mind for how to fix the flaws with the previous series, mostly in the structural design area. Rather than calling the series the LJ series, he attempted to cover up what he was doing by using the project code name Elljae. He told many of his colleagues about the numerous improvements he'd made to the design, but the only real change was that he made the robots female and gave them enormous breasts. He sold ElljaeA through ElljaeS to Germany, who ultimately wound up using them in a series of porn films.
One night, while ridiculously drunk, Dr. Govvers watched one of the German films, and thought to himself, "Why not?" He pulled ElljaeT from the lab and did things to it/her that no man should ever do to a robot: he forced it/her to watch as he stripped down to tighty whities and played Pong on an ancient video game system. This enraged ElljaeT, who demolished said video game system with a single laser beam from her eye. She then turned and laughed at Govvers' tighty whities until he finally took them off in shame. Having never seen the naked male form before, T didn't know what to think. At first she was utterly disgusted, then her curiosity got the better of her. Govvers decided that he'd better act fast and reprogram T as his wife before she went full circle to disgust again. It is after this that his name utterly disappears from public record. It is rumored that Dr. Govvers changed his name to Gobberwart, and he and ElljaeT still live somewhere in Australia, but there is no way of verifying this information since no one goes to Australia anymore. If he is still alive, a few things are certain: 1. He still has ElljaeU through ElljaeZ in his basement. 2. He probably does despicable things to them, then erases their memories afterward. 3. ElljaeT still laughs when she sees Govvers in his tighty whities.

* Sorry this is late, guys.

[Gobberwart]

Wolf, some day, I want to meet the crazy people who live inside your head, and buy them all a round of drinks.

[Impalix]

I don't want to enter now. I love Wolf's entry too much xDDDDDD

Bravo!

[ElljaeT]

Ok I have left this open an extra week and a couple of extra entries have come in. I have having trouble myself deciding which one should be the winner for a variety of reasons so I have decided to open it up to a public vote.

Here's how it works, you have until intermission on Sunday November 23rd to send me a vote for your favourite bio. Voting is to be done by pmail (#2 ElljaeT). If you vote, I will reply to your pmail with 10,000 moolah but you can only vote once. Obviously the player that receives the most number of votes will be the winner. Any Devs that win will be rolling a dice to allocate their prize money to another contestant. I am allowing contestants to vote for themselves, after all you can only have one vote each.

Contestants are:
1. Gobberwart
2. Stroby
3. Obnoxio The Clown
4. Babe
5. Jupider
6. eL JoEy
7. Jazzy Cat
8. DrWolf

[ElljaeT]

Thanks to those of you that I have voted so far and I have to let you know the votes are very tight (no I'm not saying that just to build the suspense, it really is very close)

So if you haven't voted yet, make sure you do.

[ElljaeT]

I will be tallying up the votes after intermission tonight so if you haven't voted yet you still have a few hours.

[ElljaeT]

Well voting is closed and I am happy to announce that we have a winner.

1st prize - DrWolf
2nd prize - jupider
3rd prize - eL JoEy

After speaking with Gob we have decided that all entries will be posted on the wiki. The page will show Wolf's entry as my bio page and then clickable links to view all of the other entries. Entries will be displayed as the voting ranked them so the remaining entries will be listed as follows

4th Jazzy Cat
5th Stroby
6th Obnoxio The Clown
7th Babe

I'll discuss with Gob whether or not his entry is posted because even though it is an unfinished example it is still quite amusing.

As mentioned in the initial post, a dev team member would not be eligible to receive a prize and that a dice roll would determine who actually got the 1 million moolah. I am pleased to announce that the winner of this dice roll was Stroby.

Once again I want to congratulate DrWolf and the other place getters and thank everyone who entered and voted.

Prize moolah will be distributed shortly.

[eL JoEy]

congrats DrWolf!
thanks for the contest aswell Ell
woo
oh, and thanks to people who voted for me XD

[Gobberwart]

Joey got third? For calling me a cross-dresser? LOL, awesome.

As for whether or not to post mine, I don't really mind either way. I didn't consider it an actual entry, just a sample, but it's all good

[DrWolf]

w00t.=o)

[jupider]

Yee-haw! Second Place! Thanks, Ell! And, of course, everyone who voted for me!

[JazzyCat]

Thanks for a fun contest, Elljae! Congrats to all of the winners!

[soaK]

Congrats to all of the participants, for all your entries were a fun read!
And special hogs and kisses to Wolf, because he's special ;-P

[stroby]

Grates to everyone who got the top three, thanks for the contest Ell and thanks to the magical dice which liked me.

-Edit-
That better gob? *must try harder*

[Gobberwart]

/me throws Stroby a handful of punctuation: ...,,,!?;-!.,

You'll have to get your own capital letters.

[DrWolf]

As long as "special" always means "deserves extra hogs and kisses from soaK", then I'm definitely all over it.=o)

[babe]

Congrats Dr Wolf and thanks ell had a great time reading all the entries

[Impalix]

This was a fantastic contest - I hope to see more of the like very soon ^^